The Myth of the "Good" Feminist: Why Perfectionism is Killing the Movement
You're scrolling through Instagram and see another post about the "right" way to be a feminist. Someone's calling out someone else for not using the exact right terminology. Another thread is debating whether buying from certain brands makes you a bad feminist. You see think pieces about whether certain TV shows are feminist enough, whether your lifestyle choices are radical enough, whether you're doing enough.
You close the app feeling exhausted and inadequate. You've been trying so hard to get it all right—reading the right books, using the right language, supporting the right causes. But somehow, you still feel like you're failing. Like you're not feminist enough. Not radical enough. Not educated enough. Not activist enough.
Here's what you need to know: the problem isn't you. The problem is the myth of the "good" feminist.
There is a myth we need to destroy.
It's the myth of the "good" feminist—the idea that to be truly feminist, to be worthy of the label, you must adhere to a rigid set of standards, perform activism at all times, and never falter in your beliefs or actions. If you don't check off all the boxes of what it means to be a "perfect" feminist, you're somehow failing.
This narrative is flawed, harmful, and it's high time we called it out.
The Impossible Standards of "Good" Feminism
Society has perfected the art of impossible expectations.
Let's be real: society has perfected the art of impossible expectations. Whether it's how we look, how we act, or how we fight for justice, there's a version of perfection always hanging over us, one that demands constant performance.
And it's not just about being a "good feminist" anymore—it's about being a "good woman," a "good person," and a "good activist." The expectation is that we must have it all together, all the time, or else we're not worthy.
What the "good" feminist is supposed to look like.
The myth tells us that a "good" feminist:
Has read all the foundational texts and can cite them on command
Never makes mistakes or holds problematic views
Is always educating others and calling out injustice
Attends every protest and signs every petition
Buys only from ethical companies (which somehow still exist under capitalism)
Has perfectly intersectional politics at all times
Never feels tired, overwhelmed, or burnt out from the work
Can articulate complex theory in every conversation
Never benefits from any form of privilege
Is always "on" and ready to engage in political discourse
Sound exhausting? That's because it is. And it's also impossible.
This perfectionism serves no one.
When we internalize these impossible standards, we end up:
Paralyzed by fear of making mistakes
Afraid to speak up because we might say the wrong thing
Burnt out from trying to do everything perfectly
Judging ourselves and others harshly for inevitable imperfections
Spending more energy on performing "good" feminism than actually doing the work
Leaving the movement because we can't maintain the impossible standard
Perfectionism is a tool of oppression. It's designed to keep us small, to make us think we're not good enough, and to burn us out before we can even start making change.
Why Perfectionism is the Enemy of Feminism
Perfectionism is rooted in the same systems we're fighting.
Think about it—perfectionism is rooted in the same patriarchal systems that tell us our bodies, our actions, and our identities must meet certain standards. It's the same logic that oppresses women, people of color, LGBTQIA+ individuals, and other marginalized communities.
The demand for perfection serves the status quo. When we're busy policing each other for not being feminist enough, we're not dismantling the actual systems of oppression.
It creates a culture of shame and fear.
When perfectionism becomes the standard, we create activist spaces where people are afraid to:
Ask questions because they might reveal ignorance
Make mistakes because they'll be publicly called out
Admit they're learning because learning implies you didn't already know
Express doubt or confusion because that shows weakness
Take breaks because rest is seen as abandoning the cause
This culture of shame and fear doesn't create better feminists. It creates people too afraid to participate at all.
It ignores the reality of how change happens.
Real social change has never come from perfect people making perfect decisions. It's come from flawed humans learning, growing, making mistakes, and trying again.
Every major feminist figure in history had blind spots, made mistakes, and evolved their thinking. That's not a bug—it's a feature. Growth requires acknowledging what you didn't know before.
It burns people out.
When the standard is perfection, burnout is inevitable. You can't maintain constant vigilance, constant education, constant activism, constant perfect political alignment forever.
The movement needs people who can sustain their commitment over time, not people who burn bright for six months and then collapse from exhaustion and shame.
What Real, Messy Feminism Actually Looks Like
Feminism isn't a checklist—it's a commitment to liberation.
Feminism—true feminism—has never been about flawless execution; it's about liberation. Liberation means giving ourselves permission to be flawed, messy, and real. It's about rejecting the oppressive systems that demand perfection in the first place.
Real feminism includes:
Learning as you go, not having all the answers before you start
Making mistakes and growing from them instead of being destroyed by them
Having complicated relationships with systems you're trying to dismantle
Taking breaks when you need them because sustainable activism requires rest
Asking questions even when they might reveal what you don't know
Changing your mind as you learn new information or hear new perspectives
Being imperfect while still showing up for justice
Examples of messy, real feminist practice.
You're practicing feminism when you:
Stand up for yourself or others, even if you don't articulate it perfectly
Question something you've always believed because you're learning
Take a day off from activism to rest and recharge
Admit you were wrong about something and commit to doing better
Support someone even though you don't understand their full experience
Make choices that balance your values with your real-life constraints
Set boundaries around your energy and capacity
Ask for help or clarification instead of pretending you know everything
Care about justice even when you can't attend every protest or event
These are all valid feminist practice. None of them require perfection.
Why You Don't Need to Be Perfect
1. Perfectionism is a trap that keeps you stuck.
The idea that you need to embody the perfect feminist to be worthy of the label is a straight-up lie. Perfectionism keeps us stuck in a cycle of guilt and self-criticism, and it's exhausting.
You don't need to have all the answers, be in every protest, or agree with every feminist theory to be a force for good. Feminism isn't a checklist. It's a commitment to progress, to action, and to creating a world that values the experiences of all people—not just those who can perform flawlessly.
Ask yourself: Is my perfectionism actually helping me create change, or is it just keeping me anxious and paralyzed?
2. We all make mistakes—that's how we learn.
Feminism isn't about never making a misstep—it's about acknowledging those missteps, learning from them, and doing better. Whether it's realizing you've perpetuated harm or grappling with your own biases, those moments of imperfection are opportunities for growth, not signs of failure.
You don't have to be perfect to be an agent of change. In fact, it's your willingness to be imperfect that makes you real—and that's exactly what this movement needs.
Consider: Every person you admire in the feminist movement has made mistakes. The difference is they didn't let perfection be the enemy of progress.
3. You deserve compassion—especially from yourself.
If you're too busy beating yourself up for not being the "ideal" feminist, you won't have the energy to fight for what matters. We need to be kind to ourselves, especially when the world around us is full of judgment and shame.
Self-compassion isn't just a luxury; it's a revolutionary act. The more we give ourselves permission to be imperfect, the more we can show up for each other and the causes that matter.
It's time to stop shaming ourselves and start lifting ourselves up.
Try this: Talk to yourself the way you'd talk to a friend who's doing their best. Would you tell them they're not good enough? Or would you celebrate their effort and growth?
4. Perfectionism serves patriarchy, not liberation.
Remember: perfectionism is the enemy of feminism because it's rooted in the same systems we're trying to dismantle.
The patriarchy loves perfectionism because it keeps us:
Focused on ourselves instead of systemic change
Isolated by shame instead of connected in community
Paralyzed by fear instead of empowered to act
Competing with each other instead of supporting each other
Exhausted and burnt out instead of sustained and powerful
To fight back, we must resist the idea that perfection is possible—or even desirable. Feminism thrives on messy, complex, real-life experiences, not sanitized, perfect images.
5. You are enough—right now, as you are.
Being a feminist isn't about fitting into a mold. It's about standing up for justice, loving yourself and others, and fighting for a world where we don't have to prove our worth to anyone.
You don't need to be perfect to deserve equality, to fight for trans rights, or to challenge the patriarchy. In fact, the more we embrace our imperfections, the more powerful our fight becomes.
Perfection is not the goal—liberation is.
How to Practice Imperfect Feminism
Start where you are, with what you have.
You don't need to read 50 books before you can call yourself a feminist or speak up about injustice. Start with what you know, learn as you go, and be willing to evolve.
Action steps:
Pick one issue you care about and learn more about it
Speak up in one situation where you might have stayed silent before
Support one person or organization doing work that matters to you
Ask one question you've been afraid to ask
Build in learning and growth.
Instead of expecting yourself to already know everything, create space for continuous learning.
Practices:
Read diverse perspectives, including ones that challenge your thinking
Listen to people with different experiences than yours
Acknowledge when you learn something new instead of pretending you always knew it
Thank people who educate you instead of getting defensive
Give yourself permission to rest.
Rest is not a betrayal of your values. It's how you sustain them over a lifetime.
Remember:
You can care about justice and still need breaks
Taking care of yourself helps you show up more powerfully
Burnout serves no one, especially not the causes you care about
You're allowed to have a life beyond activism
Practice accountability without perfectionism.
When you mess up (and you will, because you're human):
Acknowledge it: "I was wrong about that" or "I didn't consider that perspective"
Apologize if you caused harm: "I'm sorry for the impact of what I said/did"
Learn from it: Reflect on what you'll do differently next time
Move forward: Don't wallow in shame; use the lesson to do better
This is accountability. It's not about being perfect—it's about being committed to growth.
Find community that supports messy humanity.
Seek out feminist spaces and people who:
Welcome questions and learning
Share their own mistakes and growth
Support each other through challenges
Celebrate effort and progress, not just perfect outcomes
Make room for rest and sustainability
You need community that sees you as fully human, not just as a performance of perfect politics.
The Movement Needs Your Messy, Real Self
We don't need more perfect feminists.
So, let's stop chasing a myth. Let's stop pretending that being the "perfect feminist" is the standard we have to meet. Let's embrace the messiness of being human, knowing that in our imperfections, we find our strength.
The world needs feminists who are:
Unapologetically real, not perfectly polished
Committed to growth, not to never making mistakes
Willing to learn, not pretending to know everything
Sustained by rest, not burnt out from constant performance
Connected in community, not isolated by shame
Fighting for liberation, not performing perfection
And that's exactly what you are.
Your imperfect feminism is valid. Your learning is valid. Your humanity is valid. You are enough.
Final Thoughts: Liberation Over Perfection
You don't have to be the "good" feminist. You don't have to have it all figured out. You don't have to perform perfection to deserve a place in this movement.
You just have to show up—messy, imperfect, and fully human—and keep trying.
The revolution doesn't need your perfection. It needs your presence, your compassion, your willingness to learn and grow, and your commitment to keep showing up even when it's hard.
That's more than enough. You are more than enough.
Ready to Embrace Imperfect Feminism?
If you're struggling with perfectionism in your activism, feeling burnt out from trying to be the "perfect" feminist, or navigating shame around your perceived inadequacy, therapy can help. I work with people learning to practice sustainable activism, embrace their humanity, and fight for justice without destroying themselves in the process.
