Why You Don’t Have a Motivation Problem—You Have a Permission Problem
It's Sunday night and you're scrolling through motivational quotes on Instagram. "Rise and grind!" "No excuses!" "Your competition isn't sleeping!"
You screenshot a few. Maybe this time, they'll work. Maybe this Monday will be different. Maybe if you just try harder, wake up earlier, want it more, you'll finally become the person you're supposed to be.
But Monday comes and you're exhausted before you even start. By Wednesday, the motivation has evaporated. By Friday, you're back to feeling like you're failing at life because you can't seem to "just do it."
Here's what the motivation gurus won't tell you: the problem isn't that you're not trying hard enough.
How many times have you told yourself: "If I could just get motivated, everything would fall into place"?
That's what hustle culture, diet culture, and toxic positivity all want you to believe: that the problem is you. That if you can't push harder, work longer, or force yourself into action, it's a flaw in your character.
But here's the truth—you don't have a motivation problem. You have a permission problem.
The Lie of "Just Try Harder"
Motivation culture is designed to keep you feeling inadequate.
We live in a culture that's obsessed with motivation. There are entire industries built on the premise that if you're not constantly grinding, optimizing, and pushing yourself, you're failing.
Motivation culture tells us:
Wake up at 5 AM (even if you're a night person)
Work harder (even when you're already burnt out)
Be more disciplined (even when the system is broken)
Just want it badly enough (as if desire alone creates change)
Hustle until you make it (even if it destroys your health)
Winners never quit (even when quitting would be wisdom)
The underlying message is always the same: if you're not succeeding, you just need to try harder.
But what if you're already exhausted from trying to live up to everyone else's rules? What if the reason you can't "get motivated" is because the goal you're pushing toward doesn't actually belong to you?
When motivation becomes another thing you're failing at.
The irony of motivation culture is that it makes you feel worse, not better. You start with the promise that if you just get motivated enough, everything will change. But when the motivation doesn't stick, you conclude there's something fundamentally wrong with you.
You tell yourself:
"I'm lazy"
"I have no willpower"
"I lack discipline"
"Other people can do this, why can't I?"
"I'm just not cut out for success"
But the truth is: motivation runs dry when it's built on expectations that aren't aligned with your values.
You can't sustain motivation for goals that were never yours to begin with. You can't force yourself to want things you're "supposed to" want. And you definitely can't motivate yourself out of systemic barriers, exhaustion, or misalignment with your authentic self.
Understanding the Real Problem: Permission
What does permission have to do with anything?
Permission is the foundation that motivation requires but rarely gets. It's the internal green light that says: "What I want matters. My needs are valid. I'm allowed to choose differently."
Without permission, motivation is just force. And force doesn't last.
Here's the difference:
Motivation without permission:
"I should work out more" (but I feel guilty taking time for myself)
"I need to be more productive" (but I'm already exhausted)
"I have to pursue this career" (but it makes me miserable)
Feels like obligation, guilt, and force
Leads to resistance, procrastination, and burnout
Permission with natural motivation:
"I'm allowed to move my body in ways that feel good"
"I have permission to rest when I need it"
"I can explore work that aligns with my values"
Feels like choice, alignment, and clarity
Leads to sustainable action rooted in authenticity
Permission creates the space for motivation to emerge organically. When you give yourself permission to want what you want, need what you need, and be who you are, motivation becomes alignment instead of force.
Why we struggle to give ourselves permission.
If permission is so important, why don't we just give it to ourselves?
Because we were taught not to.
From childhood, many of us learned:
Your needs are less important than others' comfort
Wanting things for yourself is selfish
You must earn rest, pleasure, and care through productivity
Disappointing others means you're a bad person
Your worth = your achievements and compliance
For women and marginalized folks especially:
Taking up space is demanding or aggressive
Having boundaries makes you difficult
Prioritizing yourself is self-indulgent
Ambition makes you threatening
Rest makes you lazy
These messages create an internal system where you can't give yourself permission without feeling guilty, selfish, or wrong.
Even when you logically know you deserve better, the emotional programming keeps you stuck in patterns of forcing, pushing, and exhausting yourself.
Why Motivation Culture Fails Us
It ignores systemic barriers.
Motivation culture operates as if everyone has equal access to opportunity, resources, and support. It pretends that if you just try hard enough, anything is possible.
But the reality is:
Some people are navigating discrimination that motivation won't fix
Some people lack access to resources no amount of "hustle" can create
Some people are managing chronic illness, trauma, or caregiving responsibilities
Some people are fighting systems designed to keep them struggling
"Just work harder" is gaslighting when the system is rigged.
It pathologizes rest and human needs.
Motivation culture treats rest as the enemy. If you need downtime, you're weak. If you have limits, you're not committed enough. If you can't push through exhaustion, you lack discipline.
This is absurd and harmful. You're a human being, not a machine. You have needs, limits, and a nervous system that requires rest to function.
Sustainable action requires rest. Motivation that burns you out isn't actually serving you—it's exploiting you.
It focuses on individual solutions to systemic problems.
Lost your job? Get motivated to network more! Can't afford healthcare? Hustle harder! Exhausted from systemic oppression? Just develop a better mindset!
Motivation culture places all responsibility on the individual, ignoring that many problems require collective solutions and systemic change.
Your lack of "motivation" might actually be your body and mind protecting you from participating in your own exploitation.
What Permission Really Looks Like
Permission is radical self-respect.
Permission is saying:
"I'm allowed to rest without earning it"
"I'm allowed to want something different than what my family or society expects"
"I don't need to shrink myself to make others comfortable"
"I'm allowed to have needs and ask for them to be met"
"I'm allowed to change my mind about what I want"
"I'm allowed to disappoint people"
Permission is the foundation that makes motivation sustainable. Without it, motivation turns into guilt, force, and eventual burnout.
Different types of permission you might need.
Permission to rest:
You can take a break before you're at the breaking point
Rest doesn't need to be earned through productivity
Doing nothing is a valid use of your time
Permission to want:
Your desires matter, even if they don't make sense to others
You're allowed to want things that go against expectations
Ambition isn't selfish; denying your wants is
Permission to change:
You can change your mind about major life decisions
Growing out of old dreams doesn't mean you failed
Evolution is growth, not betrayal
Permission to have boundaries:
You can say no without over-explaining
Disappointing others doesn't make you a bad person
Your capacity has limits and that's okay
Permission to be imperfect:
You don't have to be flawless to deserve care
Mistakes don't negate your worth
You're allowed to learn as you go
Permission to feel:
Your anger is valid information, not something to suppress
You're allowed to grieve what you've lost
Emotions don't make you weak or dramatic
Giving Yourself Permission in Real Life
What does this look like outside of therapy-talk?
In work:
Instead of "I should be more productive" → "I give myself permission to work at a sustainable pace"
Instead of "I need to push through this awful job" → "I give myself permission to imagine work that actually respects me"
Instead of "I should respond to emails immediately" → "I give myself permission to set boundaries around my time"
In relationships:
Instead of "I should just get over it" → "I give myself permission to name what hurt me"
Instead of "I need to make everyone happy" → "I give myself permission to have needs too"
Instead of "I shouldn't be so sensitive" → "I give myself permission to feel what I feel"
In self-care:
Instead of "I should work out more" → "I give myself permission to move in ways that feel good today"
Instead of "I need to lose weight" → "I give myself permission to respect my body as it is"
Instead of "I should be more positive" → "I give myself permission to feel angry about what's unfair—and use that anger as fuel for change"
In life direction:
Instead of "I should be married by now" → "I give myself permission to have a different timeline"
Instead of "I wasted years on the wrong path" → "I give myself permission to change direction without shame"
Instead of "I should want what I'm supposed to want" → "I give myself permission to discover what I actually want"
How to practice giving yourself permission.
Start with awareness: Notice when you're using "should" language. Each "should" is likely a place where you need permission instead.
Name the permission you need: Convert the "should" into explicit permission. "I should exercise" becomes "I give myself permission to move my body in ways that feel nourishing."
Expect discomfort: Giving yourself permission will feel wrong at first. You've been conditioned against it. The discomfort doesn't mean you're doing something bad—it means you're doing something different.
Start small: You don't have to give yourself permission to quit your job tomorrow. Start with permission to take a lunch break. Permission to say no to one small request. Permission to rest for ten minutes.
Get support: Working with a therapist can help you identify where you're withholding permission and practice giving it to yourself in a supported environment.
The Shift: From Stuck to Aligned
What changes when you lead with permission.
When you stop blaming yourself for a so-called motivation problem and start practicing permission, you create space for clarity, energy, and action.
Here's what shifts:
Motivation stops being about force: You're no longer dragging yourself toward goals through sheer willpower. Instead, you're moving toward things that genuinely align with who you are.
Clarity emerges: When you give yourself permission to want what you want, it becomes much clearer what that actually is. The noise of "shoulds" quiets down.
Energy returns: You stop wasting energy fighting yourself, feeling guilty, or forcing motivation. That energy becomes available for actual aligned action.
Resistance decreases: When you're acting from permission instead of obligation, you naturally have less resistance. You're choosing, not forcing.
Sustainability increases: Permission-based action is sustainable because it's rooted in authenticity, not guilt. You can maintain it long-term without burning out.
And that's where real, lasting change begins.
Permission creates alignment. Alignment creates sustainable motivation. Sustainable motivation creates change that actually lasts.
When to Seek Support
Therapy can help you rewrite the rules.
If you're tired of beating yourself up for not being "motivated enough," therapy can help you:
Identify where you're withholding permission and why
Uncover what you actually want underneath the "shoulds"
Challenge internalized messages about worthiness and deserving
Practice giving yourself permission in a safe, supported space
Develop tools to maintain permission even when it feels uncomfortable
Navigate pushback from others when you start choosing differently
Together we can uncover what you actually want, give you the tools to claim it, and practice the kind of permission that makes change feel possible.
Final Thoughts: You're Not the Problem
You're not unmotivated. You're not lazy. You're not lacking discipline or willpower.
You're exhausted from forcing yourself toward goals that were never really yours. You're depleted from trying to motivate yourself into a life that doesn't actually fit who you are.
The solution isn't more motivation. It's permission.
Permission to rest. Permission to want differently. Permission to disappoint people. Permission to change direction. Permission to be imperfect. Permission to be yourself.
When you give yourself permission to be human, motivation stops being a problem you have to solve and becomes a natural result of living in alignment with who you actually are.
Ready to Stop Forcing and Start Living?
If you're exhausted from trying to motivate yourself into someone else's vision of success, therapy can help. I work with people learning to give themselves permission, discover what they actually want, and build lives rooted in authenticity instead of force.
