Why You Feel Stuck (and How to Untangle What You Really Want)
You're lying in bed at 2 AM, mind racing. You've got a good job, decent apartment, people who care about you. From the outside, your life looks fine. Maybe even good.
So why do you feel so... stuck?
You can't quite name what's wrong. You just know something is. You're going through the motions, checking boxes, meeting expectations. But nothing feels exciting anymore. Nothing feels like yours.
You've made pros and cons lists. You've journaled. You've talked to friends who give you advice that sounds logical but doesn't quite land. And still, you wake up every day feeling like you're standing still while everyone else is moving forward.
Here's what no one tells you: feeling stuck isn't a personal failing. It's information.
Do you ever feel like you're just spinning your wheels in life? You know something feels off—but no matter how much you analyze, make lists, or vent to friends, the clarity just isn't coming.
Feeling stuck doesn't mean you're lazy, broken, or incapable. It usually means you've been carrying around too many "shoulds" and expectations—from family, work, culture, or the world at large—and they've tangled together so tightly that it's hard to hear your own voice underneath it all.
What "Stuck" Actually Means
Stuck isn't the same as lazy or unmotivated.
When people feel stuck, they often worry they're just being lazy or need to "want it more." But being stuck is different from being unmotivated.
Unmotivated looks like: not caring, not wanting anything, genuine apathy.
Stuck looks like: caring deeply but not knowing how to move forward, wanting change but feeling paralyzed, having energy but nowhere to direct it.
If you feel stuck, you probably care too much, not too little. You're overwhelmed by all the directions you could go, all the people you might disappoint, all the "wrong" choices you might make.
Stuck is often a sign you've lost connection with yourself.
When you're stuck, it's usually because:
You can't hear your own desires under all the noise of expectations
You don't trust yourself to make the "right" choice
You're afraid of what wanting something different might mean
You've been living on autopilot for so long you've forgotten there's another way
Being stuck is your internal system saying: "We're out of alignment. Something needs to change."
Why We Get Stuck: The Tangle of "Shoulds"
You've been living someone else's life.
Most of the people I work with are folks who've spent years trying to live up to what's expected of them: be the reliable one, the high achiever, the peacemaker, the one who keeps it all together.
Over time, all of those roles pile up. You become who others need you to be, and somewhere along the way, you lose who you actually are.
And then one day, you look around and think: Wait... what do I actually want?
The answer doesn't come. Because you've spent so long not asking that question that you don't even know where to start.
The weight of accumulated expectations.
You're stuck because you're carrying:
Family expectations:
"You should be married by now"
"You should give us grandchildren"
"You should take over the family business"
"You should be more successful/stable/accomplished"
Cultural messages:
Your worth = your productivity
You should always be optimizing, improving, achieving
Rest is laziness
If you're not moving forward, you're falling behind
Internalized "shoulds" from your own past self:
"I should want the career I worked so hard for"
"I should be grateful for what I have"
"I should make this relationship work"
"I should know what I want by now"
All of these "shoulds" create a tangled knot that makes it impossible to see what YOU actually want underneath it all.
Common reasons you might feel stuck:
You're carrying the weight of other people's expectations. Every choice feels like it has to please someone else—your parents, your partner, your boss, society. You've lost touch with what matters to you.
You've been running on autopilot for so long you've lost touch with what lights you up. Work, eat, sleep, repeat. You're productive, you're functional, but nothing feels meaningful or exciting anymore.
You're trying to please everyone else and end up losing yourself in the process. You've become so good at adapting to what others need that you've forgotten you're allowed to have needs, too.
You've learned to ignore or downplay your anger, sadness, or frustration. These emotions often point toward deeper needs, but you've been taught to suppress them. Now you can't access the information they're trying to give you.
You're afraid of what wanting something different might mean. What if you've been on the wrong path this whole time? What if changing direction means you "wasted" years? What if disappointing people makes you a bad person?
You don't trust yourself to make the "right" choice. Past decisions didn't work out the way you hoped, or someone criticized your choices, and now you're paralyzed by fear of making another "mistake."
Signs You're Stuck in "Shoulds"
How to recognize when expectations have taken over.
You might be stuck in "shoulds" if you:
Say yes when you want to say no—and then feel resentful afterward. You agree to things you don't have capacity for because saying no feels selfish or wrong. Then you resent the person who asked and yourself for agreeing.
Sit in your car replaying conversations, wishing you'd spoken up. You have things to say, opinions to share, needs to express—but in the moment, you stay quiet. Later, you torture yourself imagining what you could have said.
Feel guilty when you rest, even when you're exhausted. Taking a break feels indulgent or lazy. You tell yourself you should be doing something productive, even when your body is begging for rest.
Struggle to make decisions because you don't want to let anyone down. Every choice becomes paralyzing because you're calculating who might be disappointed, hurt, or upset by each option. Your own preference barely factors in.
Can't name what you actually want when someone asks. "What do you want for dinner?" "What do you want to do this weekend?" "What would make you happy?" These questions feel impossible because you genuinely don't know anymore.
Feel numb or disconnected from your own life. You're going through the motions, but it doesn't feel like your life. You're watching from the outside, performing the role but not inhabiting it.
Constantly compare yourself to others and come up short. Everyone else seems to have it figured out. Their lives look purposeful and clear while yours feels muddy and stuck.
If these sound familiar, you're not alone. Feeling stuck is usually a sign that your inner compass is still there—it's just buried under too much noise.
The Cost of Staying Stuck
What happens when you ignore the "stuck" feeling.
Staying stuck isn't neutral. Over time, it creates:
Resentment: Toward others for their expectations and toward yourself for not being able to break free. This resentment seeps into relationships and self-perception.
Depression: When you're disconnected from what matters to you, life loses color and meaning. The days blur together. Nothing feels worth the effort.
Anxiety: The sense that you "should" be somewhere else, doing something else, being someone else creates constant background anxiety.
Regret: Time keeps passing. Opportunities pass by. You look back and wonder what might have been if you'd had the courage to choose differently.
Lost sense of self: The longer you stay disconnected from your authentic desires, the harder it becomes to remember who you are at all.
Staying stuck is painful. But so is change. The question is: which pain serves your growth?
How to Start Untangling: Practical Steps
Getting unstuck is a process, not a moment.
Getting unstuck doesn't happen overnight. It's a gradual process of reconnecting with yourself, distinguishing your voice from everyone else's, and building trust in your own judgment.
Here are gentle steps you can start taking right now:
1. Name your "shoulds."
The practice: Write down five things you feel you "should" do this week. Then write down five things you want to do. Notice the difference in energy between the two lists.
Why it works: Getting "shoulds" out of your head and onto paper helps you see them more objectively. You start recognizing the difference between obligation and desire.
Questions to explore:
Where did each "should" come from? Whose voice is it really?
What would happen if you didn't do one of these "shoulds"?
How does your body feel when you read the "should" list versus the "want" list?
2. Listen to your anger (and other "difficult" emotions).
The practice: Instead of pushing anger, frustration, or sadness away, get curious about it. Ask: What is this emotion trying to tell me about what I need?
Why it works: Emotions aren't random—they're information. Anger often points to boundaries being crossed. Sadness often points to unmet needs or losses. Anxiety often points to misalignment between your life and your values.
Example: Anger at your partner might actually be anger that you're not speaking up about your needs. Frustration at work might be your system saying "this doesn't align with my values anymore."
3. Practice micro-decisions.
The practice: Start with small choices—like what you want for lunch, what music to play in the car, or how you spend 10 free minutes. Make the choice quickly without overthinking.
Why it works: When you're stuck, big decisions feel impossible. Micro-decisions help you rebuild trust with yourself. Each small choice where you honor your preference strengthens your connection to your internal compass.
Build up gradually: Small choices → Medium choices → Bigger choices. Don't jump straight to "should I quit my job?" Start with "do I want coffee or tea?"
4. Try on a permission slip.
The practice: Give yourself explicit permission to rest, say no, or take up space—and remind yourself that you don't need to earn it.
Permission slips you might need:
"I have permission to rest without being productive first"
"I have permission to change my mind about what I want"
"I have permission to disappoint people"
"I have permission to want things that don't make sense to others"
"I have permission to not have it all figured out"
Why it works: Often we're waiting for someone else to give us permission to live differently. But no one else can grant that. You have to give yourself permission first.
5. Identify one small thing you've been avoiding.
The practice: What's one conversation, decision, or action you've been putting off? Start there. Not because it's easy, but because it's probably stuck because it matters.
Why it works: Stuck energy often accumulates around the things that scare us most. When you address one avoided thing, it often creates momentum in other areas.
Make it manageable: Break it into the smallest possible first step. "Have the hard conversation" becomes "text them to set up a time to talk."
6. Notice what makes you come alive.
The practice: For one week, pay attention to moments when you feel energized, curious, or engaged. What were you doing? Who were you with? What about it felt good?
Why it works: When you've been stuck for a while, you might not remember what you actually enjoy. Tracking moments of aliveness helps you map your way back to yourself.
What "Unstuck" Actually Looks Like
It's not dramatic—it's gradual clarity.
Getting unstuck doesn't usually look like a lightning bolt of clarity or a dramatic life overhaul. It looks like:
Small moments of knowing:
"Actually, I don't want to go to that event"
"I think I need to have a conversation about this"
"I'm ready to try something different"
Increasing alignment: Your choices start reflecting your actual values instead of inherited expectations. Life starts feeling more like yours.
Reduced resentment: When you honor your own needs and desires, resentment toward others decreases. You stop silently blaming people for things you never told them you needed.
Energy returning: Things that felt heavy and exhausting start feeling manageable or even energizing when they align with who you are.
Trusting yourself more: You make a decision, and even if it's not perfect, you trust you can handle the outcome. Your internal compass gets stronger with use.
Unstuck doesn't mean you have everything figured out. It means you're moving in a direction that feels true to you, even if you're still figuring out where that direction leads.
You Don't Have to Untangle Alone
Therapy creates space to sort through the noise.
Therapy can be a space to:
Peel back layers of expectations and discover what's actually yours
Distinguish between your voice and everyone else's
Process the grief of paths not taken and lives not lived
Reconnect with desires you've been ignoring
Build trust in your own judgment
Get support as you make changes that might disappoint others
My clients often come in feeling stuck, exhausted, or unsure—and leave sessions with more clarity, practical tools, and a renewed sense of possibility.
What working together might look like.
In therapy for feeling stuck, we might:
Map out the "shoulds" and expectations you're carrying
Explore where those messages came from and whether they still serve you
Practice making small decisions and honoring your authentic preferences
Work through fear of disappointing others or making "wrong" choices
Develop tools for accessing your own desires underneath the noise
Create a plan for making changes that feels manageable, not overwhelming
You deserve to feel less tangled and more like yourself again.
Final Thoughts: Your Voice Is Still There
The good news? Your internal compass never actually disappears. It's just buried under layers of conditioning, expectation, and fear.
You're not starting from scratch. You're excavating something that's been there all along.
Getting unstuck is about:
Listening to the quiet voice underneath the loud "shoulds"
Trusting that what you want matters, even if it doesn't make sense to others
Taking small steps toward alignment, even when it's scary
Giving yourself permission to want a life that feels like yours
You're not broken. You're not lost. You're just buried under expectations that were never really yours to carry.
And underneath all that? You're still there, waiting to be heard.
Ready to Get Unstuck?
If you're feeling stuck, exhausted by expectations, or disconnected from what you actually want, therapy can help. I specialize in helping people untangle the "shoulds," reconnect with their authentic desires, and build lives that feel genuinely theirs.
